purchased.

tomorrow will be purchased at a price. what will you do with it?

love quotes

G. K. Chesterton
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.




G. Moore
Other men have seen angels, But I have seen thee, And thou art enough.

Montaigne
If I am pressed to say why I loved him, I feel it can only be explained by replying: "Because it was he; because it was me."

Rabindranath Tagore
I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times, in life after life, in age after age forever.

Mother Teresa There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.


George Elliot I like not only to be loved, but to be told that I am loved.

Albert Einstein How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?

Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.

what do you think?

We drive tonight and you are by my side we're talking about our lives like we've known each other forever the time flies by with the sound of your voice its close to paradise with the end surely near and if I could only stop the car and hold onto you and never let go I'll never let go as we round the corner to your house you turned to me and said "I'll be going through withdrawl of you for this one night we have spent" and I want to speak these words but I guess I'll just bite my tongue and except someday, somehow as the words that we'll hang from And I, I don't want to speak these words cause I, I don't want to make things any worse Why does tonight have to end Why don't we hit restart and pause it at our favorite parts we'll skip the goodbyes If I had it my way I'l turn the car around and run away just you and I- matchbook romance

thought that i have been thinking. the best relationshups end in marriage right? heres the thing, is anyone happy that they got married? is anyone like, we got married and it is everything we thought it would be, what a good idea that was? honestly? it can't be the be all and end all. i don't believe in that. i don't believe in looking to relationships or other externals for the answer. and if i am wrong? then yay!!!!!

i am feeling kind of blech about art these days like maybe i don' t want to be an artist. i just don't think i am any good. maybe i will get better.

what do i love? TRACK

can i say that i love track? have i not said it before? i love track!!!!!!!!!

i wish i was not what i have been. am i obvious?

Keep the noise low, she doesn't wanna blow it. She stripped from head to toe and then left him with his shoulder out. Go get your heartbeat. It beats me straight into the ground. You don't recover from a night like this. Our victim, still lying in bed, completely motionless. A hand moves in the dark to her zipper. And a boy best in tourniquet sheets barely whispers, "This is so messed up." Upon arrival the guests had all stared. Dripping wet and clearly depressed, he'd headed straight for the stairs. No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch, unprepared for a life filled with lies and failing relationships. (Up the stairs, the station where the act becomes the art of growing up.) He keeps his hands low, he doesn't wanna blow it. He's wet from head to toe and his eyes give her the up and the down. His stomach turns and he thinks of throwing up. Get the body on the bed like it's flowered and he starts going down. The people, the focus. The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to settle. Die young and save yourself. They take all the taste out. It used to be the reason that we're even, now it's choking me up. Die young and save yourself. She hits the lights. This doesn't seem quite fair. Despite everything he learned from his friends, he doesn't feel so prepared. She's breathing quiet and smooth, he's gasping for air. "This is the first and last time", he said. She fakes a smile and presses her hips into his. He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides. He's holding back from telling her exactly what it really feels like. He is the lamb, she is the slaughter. She's moving way too fast and all he wanted was to hold her. Nothing that he touches is really having an effect. He whispers that he loves her, but she's probably only looking for... (Up the stairs, the station where the act becomes the art of growing old.) So much more than he could ever give. A life full of lies and failing relationships. He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides. He waits for it to end and for the aching in his guts to subside.The people, the focus. The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to settle. Die young and save yourself. They take all the taste out. It used to be the reason that we're even, now it's choking me up. Die young and save yourself. Up the stairs, the station where the act becomes the art of growing old. The people, the focus. The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to settle. Die young and save yourself. They take all the taste out. It used to be the reason that we're even, now it's choking me up. Die young and save yourself.

i can't say that i like the lyrics to this song. but they make me feel something. what i don't know. i think the first part is about a girls first sexual encounter and how it went kinda bad and then the second part is about that girl having sex with this dude. the dude just loves her and feels wrong about the whole situation while after the first time the girl just feels like trash and wants to do it with whoever. i think i can commiserate with the girl. so often i have felt like i just want a relationship with no emotional intimacy with i don't care who. i am prolly going to delete this tomorrow. i think that is a reaction to abuse. do i have a persecution complex? i feel so abused, so wronged at times. now i have to make this sound like it has some kind of educational point. i guess.......i am learning something about myself. even though i am not a fan of this girls situation i feel like she feels on a smaller scale. i think it is a reflection of how i relate to men. i like them and a lot, but at a safe distance. maybe instead of being afraid that a boy is unstable i am instead afraid of the possibility for emotional closeness. "to be intimately known and still loved. " what a miracle that would be. i think i don't doubt my ability to be intimately known and loved as much as my ability to intimately know and love. as soon as someone gets close, this thing rears its ugly head and i turn into a jerk i guess the turning into a jerk would be analagous to the girl moving to fast for the guy when he just wants to be good to her she is doing things he doesn' t want to do to purposefully alienate him. mean things. that is what i am learning .........about myself.

what are boys and doors when god changes me with his love?

i went to this lecture thing about love and community. i had some good thoughts that i want to record though i don't know if they are the kind of thoughts that the speakers were trying to promote. they talked a lot about our sins and how they are just waitin there for us to embrace them and confess them to god. i couldn't think of one that god hadn't already heard about from me. here is what i wrote aboout that, "i just feel like God has been workin so hard on me that to start finding things that i do wrong would be to disrespect all that work\ workmanship."

something that i did take away from this that the speakers intended was that i don't have to be the old me, to behave according to the old patterns. the title of my previous post was me thinkin about a boy who didn't hold the door open today for me. i think i let it irk me just a bit. but i don't have to let stuff like that bother me. i am done with only extending grace to the people i think deserve it.

on the day when boys don't hold doors open

learning and what i learn is supposed to be all that i talk about on this blog. but i don't think i am going to restrict it to that. i think it would be hard to find a situation that doesn't involve learning of some sort. so daily life is no officially included.
i love track. i love running. i started looking forward to todays practice two days ago. i am already yearning for practice tomorrow. i think that sports have for so long been my crutch, my solace. i don't understand why i take such great joy in the pain of sport. i think it is because it forces out of your head all thoughts except for those that you need to perform the act of running, swimming, lifting weights etc.... i feel like sports are the only thing that i do well enough because i do them well enough for me. i feel so safe when i am running, playing soccer, skating. i feel like time stops and i don't want to stop. i feel such a kindred spirit with chris witty when she speaks of sports being a source of comfort, a way of eascaping the pain.one of if not the only beneift of experiencing a kind of daily pain, tormenting pain, is that things that are uncomfortable that others don't want to do are comforting to the tormented. the strange thing is that now that i believe i have dealt with the pain, have moved on, my need for the comfort and challenge of sport remains. here is a PERFECT example of how an activity is NOT about what i am moving towards. it is what i am running away from. i think that is what it is. i am running away from pain, from evil, from unmet expectations. i am not achieving glory or fame or even excellence. is that a good reason to do something? i think so. would i love christ the way i do if it weren't for how i have run to him in times of pain and suffering? seeking comfort? no. lord i thank you for track. i thank you for the four workouts i have participated in. thank you that i have been able to remain pain free. i think that is maybe why some people don't appear to be so excited about track practice. maybe for them it is about the competitions. maybe for me it will eventually become about the competition. but for now it is about the solace, about a chance to turn my back to pain and embrace a new and freeing form of it as i run towards nothing and away from everything.
(the guy in the picture has 100% nothing to do with what i am saying but his face warms my heart.)

p.s i think i also might just like track because i like it. not because life is especially awful right now.

Life can sometimes be very odd, and throw out challenges that one would never expect. I think the crucial thing is not to dwell upon odd & difficult things that happen, but more what should you do with the challenges you face. Oh, and friends you meet along the way, who cheer for you in other languages, that makes life really sweet!!! -andrew love
good words andrew love!!!!!!

love and sacrifice

it is impossible to remove love from sacrifice. it is impossible. if i am going to truly love someone i have to see the times that their relationship asks me to move outside of myself as my oppurtunities to love. i am so glad that one doesn't need to knokw someone to love them. that i don't need to know ----- before i can sacrifice for him, give him grace, try to see the best in him try to have patience with him. for so long i have felt like people have to establish themselves as worthy before i can expose myself to them by loving them. i couldn't risk being made a fool of. but then that is what love is isn't it? if none of us are deserving of it then anyone who receives it is in a position to make the giver look very foolish. at all times. love is risking and enduring embarassment, pain, discomfort, injury to pride. i feel so comforted now. knowing that i can love without any need for it being returned, or to feel that i have done it properly without making any mistakes, or that it will bind me to any relationship. no. love doesn't have to be returned, can be exectuted quite clumsily, and can be done at random with no regard for your level of intimacy with that person. i feel so much better now. i have recently realized how selfish i am and have asked God to make me a more loving person, to show me how it is done. is this what an answered prayer looks like?

love. boys. foxholes.

i have been having some serious boy thoughts lately. there is a lot of confusion where boys are concerned. i only know a few things.
thing number 1. who you want to be in a relationship is a lot like who you want to be in a foxhole with. the dude that has your back in a foxhole is basically responsible for your life for defending you, for making sure you don't get shot. that by itself doesn't make much sense. i guess the point i am trying to make is that you can go out with anyone and have a successful relationship when things are going good. the key is who do you want to go through lifes shit with. i hate using that word because it sounds so ugly but that is what i mean. who do you want to go through lifes ugly with?

thing number 2 is not as complicated. i like stable boys. spontaneous, insecure, moody, all of these things frighten me. funny that i am not so stable myself.


other non boy things that i have learned. i love running. i also love "me too" moments. moments where you and another feel the same way or have experienced a similar situation. also having faith in god is a good thing to do. don't ask why. that is'nt the point.

book that i am reading, Anecdotes of Modern Art. it is soooo good. i am addicted to anecdotes.